As predicted it has not taken long. My garden is once again besieged by squirrels. I looked out the other day and my largest peanut feeder was simply a writhing mass of grey fur. In the past week they have scoffed about 150g of nuts, 200g of seed, and shredded one of the feeders. The seed came out just fine, but that wasn't enough. No, it wanted to put its whole head inside so it simply gnawed through the plastic. Thanks squirrel, I'll just buy another one then.
There are two of course, the news is out. As I type, squirrels from as far away as Kent are packing up their belongings and setting off. Destination Wanstead. Their greed knows no bounds, their appetites are enormous, their metabolisms supersonic. They arrive at first light, starving, and they stay all day. As dusk approaches they stagger off, bloated, but still no doubt mildly peckish and looking forward to the next day.
They're indestructible so no point trying to harm them, and chasing them off lasts about a minute before they come sauntering back. In under a month they have learned to climb the palm tree, jump the gap, skip along the greenhouse gutter, run along the apex and then dangle down onto the feeder. With that emptied, they turned their attention to the main feeding station closer to the house. The ease with which they can shimmy up the pole is extraordinary. Straight onto the seed feeder above, which they destroyed in a couple of days. As well as guzzling the contents of course.
It is getting expensive. Whilst buying a replacement feeder I noticed something called a squirrel baffle - a plastic cone to place on the pole. Hah! As if something as cunning as a squirrel is going to be baffled by a mere cone. So like a sucker I bought two, and another squirrel proof feeder - £60 the total bill. They arrived during the week and I spent a bit of time putting them all up yesterday. They look ridiculous, like giant fireworks sticking out of the lawn, and I am not confident that they are going to hold back the assault for long. As I returned back inside, the lead squirrel came to have a look. Slowly it paced around the base of the pole, looking up. Salivating. Then it started to climb up the pole.... And almost unbelievably it was foxed by the baffle! It simply could not work out how to get past the cone, and had to turn back. You could see it looked angry...
This morning whilst enjoying a leisurely breakfast the whole family observed the squirrel zip up the monkey puzzle tree, trip daintily along a branch and in one leap land on the pole above the baffle.
I went outside and took the feeder down. I've placed it with my pride in the shed.
I am sorry to say that I have not fed my garden birds for at least three years, and consequently I’ve not really seen very much out of the window. My regular Robin has unfailingly turned up whenever I’ve been out gardening, but other than that it has been slim pickings. The reason for this was an indestructible squirrel with metal teeth that came and parked itself on my feeders and sat there 24/24 eating me out of house and home. It actually chewed through one wire cage feeder such that a waterfall of peanuts cascaded onto the lawn. I bought a diversion squirrel feeder and put it on the fence in the hope it would feed there instead, but it preferred seeds and nuts. I eventually resorted to borrowing a gun and trying to shoot it, but it had a forcefield and the pellets simply bounced off, so I let it finish off all the food and then took all the feeders down. Only then did it swagger off to the next benefactor.
I have decided to try again, so a couple of weeks ago I cleaned all my bird feeders, bought a couple of new ones (promised to be squirrel-proof) and some taller poles with squirrel baffles, and finally opened some large bags of seeds and nuts that had been gathering dust in my toilet for a couple of years. Family members are very pleased to be able to sit down without their legs jammed against 12.5kg of nuts.
The squirrel came back immediately of course, but so far it has just been prowling around the base of the feeders whilst its fiendish little brain figures out how to defeat the various anti-squirrel measures. I’ve no doubt it will get there eventually, but so far the combination of the even taller poles with conical baffles holding metal feeders which are spring-loaded such that the weight of a squirrel stops the flow of food seem to be holding it at bay.
It has taken longer for the birds to return, and I’ve not necessarily always been around to see them, but last weekend over lunch they were there en masse. Four species of Tits included a pair of Coal Tits that dashed in for a sunflower seed and then dashed off to consume it, and were only the second time I’ve seen this species in my garden. As well as the Tits, the Robin made an appearance, up to five Goldfinches were at the nyger, and a brief fat Woodpigeon attempted to land but its vast bulk prevented it from doing so. All the activity proved an excellent talking point over lunch, and showed that my kids have still not forgotten all of the basic bird ID lessons that were drummed into them from an early age. Talking of which, this morning as I was making coffee a Great Spotted Woodpecker was on one of the peanut feeders. See what I did there? A huge bird, splinters of peanuts were flying everywhere, so perhaps this will be sufficient to distract evil squirrel from engaging in nefarious acrobatics.
What I am really hoping for is a Nuthatch. For many years we inexplicably didn’t have any Nuthatches on the patch, but they’re making a comeback, and they are mostly based in the same bit of the patch as the Coal Tits. I reckon I have every chance this coming winter as the birds may start to explore local gardens for food. The other vague possibility is Mealy Redpoll. There seem to be quite a few ‘colder’ birds about already on the coast, so there’s always a chance that they gradually form up inland. Both would be garden ticks, and the Redpoll would be a full fat patch tick. Or maybe, just maybe, I should dream bigger? There are numerous examples of stonking rarities visiting garden feeders. What do Siberian Accentors like to eat?
"I find your lack of faith disturbing"
If you have been reading my Twitter feed you will have perhaps noticed that the squirrels are winning and wondered what on earth I am talking about? The battle has been a long one, I need to go right back to the beginning.
When we moved here, there were no squirrels. Sure, I saw a few in the Park, but there were none in the garden. I put out bird feeders straight away, and for a couple of years it stayed like that. Birds eating bird seed, happy observers. Then a squirrel arrived, and destroyed my plastic feeders. Undeterred, I bought metal feeders, which it also found to its liking. So if you can't beat it, I thought, perhaps provide an alternate food supply? I purchased and erected a dedicated squirrel feeder with squirrel food in it, right on the fence where it likes to sit. It gave this a brief go, soon working out how to access it, but on the whole it preferred the peanuts and bird seed.
I bought a pole. I put the feeders at the top of the pole, and installed a cone designed to prevent the squirrel from climbing up the pole. It negotiated this with ease! One jump from the top of the fence straight onto the pole, above the cone baffle, and then upwards to the addictive peanuts. I moved the pole further away from the fence, the squirrel jumped from the roof of the conservatory....
I relocated the peanut feeder to the Monkey Puzzle tree. Genius, why hadn't I thought of this before?! For a while, it worked. I got to chuckle at the sight of a squirrel tentatively worming its way along a spiky branch before turning back, defeated. They mastered it within two weeks, and now trip gaily along the branches as if they were mere planks of wood.
For a while I stopped feeding the birds. I noted, with some satisfaction, that the garden no longer hosted a squirrel. I also noted that the number and diversity of birds plummeted. After a few months, I tentatively refilled the feeders. Within a day there were TWO squirrels, gorging themselves on my peanuts. In the summer months, I chased them off whenever I saw them. Initially all it took was for me to waggle the door handle and they were off, but gradually their fear has all but disappeared. Now I actually have to open the door and step onto the terrace, at which point the squirrel will climb down the pole in a leisurely fashion and saunter off down the garden. Insousiance fits the bill. I trained the children to chase them off, but these new and noisy squirrel deterrents were only effective for a short while. They grew bored, the squirrels became bolder still.
I started collecting stones from the garden and storing them in a pile on the terrace. When I saw a squirrel, I would leap forth onto the terrace, grab a stone, and fuzz it caribbean style at the squirrel sauntering down the garden. I used up all my stones, and became used to the sight of my peanut feeder swinging madly from side to side with a squirrel hanging off it.
It was one day when I looked out and couldn't even see my peanut feeder for the writhing mass of grey fur that I cracked. I began thinking dark thoughts. Lethal thoughts. Could I really do it though? I am an animal lover, certain dogs excepted. Could I kill a cute, fluffy, doe-eyed squirrel? I didn't know, but I determined to have a bloody good go.
This takes us to about two weeks ago. I borrowed a friend's air rifle. I won't name him in case the local Squirrel Defense League go after him as well as me, but he showed me how it loaded, handed me a tin of ammo, and off I went. Before I even fired a shot, I did some reaseach - I have been taking this very seriously. I first made sure that it was legal, and then read up on which bit of a squirrels anatomy is the most sensitive to airgun pellets. My brother-in-law, who has real guns, gave me a lesson in gun safety, and advised placing peanuts on the ground so that if I missed the pellet would embed in the grass and not a neighbour. I worked out how and where I would store it all away from the kids, and then played Call of Duty 4 constantly for about a week to hone my reactive skills. Happy that I could blow cyber-opponents away without flinching, I moved onto the real thing, and drew a target which I pinned on the lawn and fired out of the window at. Bullseye. I was ready.
I waited, sensitively, until the children were at school and nursery on Monday, and then, with a heavy heart, got to business. Sure enough, when I got back from the school run, there was the squirrel on the feeder. I opened the door - it didn't even look up - loaded the rifle, and took aim. I fired from about twenty feet, fully expecting the squirrel to drop off the feeder and onto the lawn below. It was somewhat surprising therefore to see the squirrel jump about four feet horizontally off the feeder, and bolt down the garden, up the big tree, and over the fence. Had the gun worked? I loaded another pellet and fired at top of the feeder. The pellet pinged off the metal lid and off into outer space. Hmmm. Had I perhaps missed?
The squirrel, or another, was soon back. This time the door was already open, and I was sat backwards on a chair, with my photography bean-bag as support for the rifle lying atop another chair. Fully steadied, I waited for clean shot, and fired again. The squirrel moved like greased lightening, I have never seen an animal move so fast. It scorched down the garden and over the fence. What the? I loaded another pellet and fired at the fence from about fifteen feet. I observed a neat round hole appear.
I had to wait much longer for a squirrel to come back this time. In fact this is when the Coal Tit came in. When eventually I did see the squirrel back in its customary position upside down on the peanut feeder, chowing down, there was no mucking about. I strode into the conservatory, picked up the gun, and the squirrel bolted. Quick learners. The same thing happened the next time as well. They had learned, in a matter of hours, that there was a new type of danger other than a man yelling from his terrace and flinging a stone down the garden in a rage.
I saw the squirrel again yesterday morning. This time I approached from the side of the house, peeking round a corner and firing from cover in true sniper style. It shot off down the garden like a grey cruise missile and disappeared. Dagnabit!!!
Time for a change of tactics. I hung a blanket over the windows in the french doors, and moved the peanuts to directly in front. Fifteen feet away at most. Opening the door a crack, I made sure that the barrel could fit in the crack pointing straight at them, and put the beanbag on the floor for support. I retreated indoors with my binoculars, and observed from the upstairs window. An hour passed, and then there it was, creeping up the garden. I say creeping, really it was a swagger. It went straight for the peanuts. I ran downstairs, loaded the gun, and commando-crawled across the floor of the conservatory. Yes, it was still there! I laid the gun on the beanbag, and poked the barred through the crack. Still there. I lined up the sights, and fired right at the middle of the squirrel. Kapow!! The squirrel took off like an Ariane rocket down the garden and jumped over the fence.
Dejected, I took down the blanket, closed the door, broke down and stowed the rifle, and came in here to write this. The squirrels in Wanstead are clearly invincible. I have hit one or more of them at least ten times at approaching point-blank range, and the pellets appear to just bouce off. Do they have some kind of force-field? Or, as a correspondent has suggested, are they in fact made of titanium, with a furry outer layer? Don't forget, the pellets go through wood. Why won't they go though a squirrel? And even if, as now seems likely, the squirrels have some kind of unearthly protection going on, surely it must at least cause a bruise, or a mild stinging sensation perhaps? The speed at which they move suggests that they definitely feel it. I just don't understand it. I've been tempted to fire the gun at my foot just to check, but I know what would happen. I would get a neat circular hole in my foot with blood coming out of it. But then again, I'm not a peanut-fuelled invincible titanium furball.
