Ospreys, Kingfishers and Elephants

This morning was a bit of a write-off after some beers last night. The tipple of choice was "Osprey", and I am afraid to say that I over-indulged. Paying for it this morning, I wondered what I could do that would add meaning to my day. Ah-hah, I had it! I would go to a local wildlife reserve and photograph Kingfishers from a hide. What could possibly go wrong?

A Hawk and some Ospreys

Just about everything it transpires.I almost don't know where to start it was so painful. For ten though, to the woman in hob-nailed boots who came into the hide possibly eight times in three minutes, walked a circuit and then left again, if I ever see you again it will be too soon. To the fat, lumpy, green-clad dudes incapable of being quiet, and whose mission if life it was to excitedly and loudly point out the Kingfisher every time it flew in, I am in awe of your crassness. To the man with the velcro jacket who opened it and closed it again upwards of ten times in an hour, you nearly died. To all those with cameras who inexplicably rattled off a thousand frames when the bird was about half a mile away, I hope you enjoy your fuzzy blue dots and that they win prizes. To the ineffectual volunteer who any time anyone brushed the screen netting said not to touch the netting as it would scare the birds away, and yet failed to mention that shouting, pointing, stomping, slamming, waving and running might also have the same effect, I have no idea what to say. You are selflessly giving your time, and for that I salute you, but you are also completely wasting your time.

Stomp stomp stomp THERE IT IS!!! Slam Stomp stomp slam click click clickclickclick click stomp IT'S COMING CLOSER!!! please don't stomp click touch the stomp click click netting you'll IS THAT THE MALE? OH LOOK IT'S GONE INTO scare the birds THE HOLE click stomp stomp slam stomp away stomp ! LOOK AT THAT!!! stomp click stomp click OOOHHH!!!! IT'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! Oh, it appears to have flown off........

Gah!

I tested my exposure about eight times while I was there, and took one photo of the bird before realising I was wasting my time and leaving. There was no way it was going to come anywhere near the hide, the entire length of the window has been covered with scrim netting with just a few blank spots (with good reason, but it is highly irritating), the distortion through the glass was nearly impossible to deal with, and the place was chock full of absolute cretins.

I hate hides. I hate the occupants of hides. If it were just me in a hide, I could probably just about stand it, but even then I reckon I'd probably end up hating myself after a few hours. We just don't get on. OK, so the saturday of a bank holiday weekend was never likely to be the best hide experience I was ever going to have, but the lack of any common sense whatsoever was mind-blowing. If you're in a hide to watch birds, especially sensitive schedule 1 birds like Kingfishers, but really any hide, surely you must realise that sitting still and being quiet are of paramount importance? And if you don't, why don't you? And more importantly, how are you going to learn?

I suppose the mission of the RSPB is to raise awareness of birds, and to have people enjoy birds as if they enjoy them then they will help look after them. Fair play to them for keeping the hide open to allow that to take place, had it been me I would simply have locked it up for the duration. But if you're going to go to all that effort, why not make it absolutely clear as to how you behave in a hide? Silence, and no fidgeting.  No clogs, and no running. No shouting, no waving, and no screaming. Or you're thrown out. Easy.

I wandered around for a little bit, but my heart wasn't really in it, and the arrival of rain was in many ways a blessing and I went home to have a good old moan. I'm a big fan of my local wildlife reserve - I'm a voluteer there in fact - and I know I shouldn't be rude about it (and fellow volunteers), but there are some times when you go there and it just seems to typify everything that is wrong with watching wildlife in this country, which I suppose is largely that the people who watch it are mostly idiots out for a nice walk. Well meaning I don't doubt, and it's great so many people are at least a bit interested, but for the love of God please please please just SIT STILL and above all, SHUT UP!!!

Kingfishers make me happy

There is something about Kingfishers, can't quite put my finger on it. Is it the electric aquamarine, or is it that they can shoot, whilst perched, a stream of excrement well over 4 feet behind them? Whilst this is amazing, after careful thought I think it's the colouration which is probably the more appealing. Simply stunning. Seeing as I had no children today, I went to Rye Meads RSPB to see them, and they didn't disappoint. I spent about three hours watching them and came away extremely happy. If you're feeling down (I wasn't, I just like Kingfishers) then doing this will give you a huge lift. They're feeding young at the moment, so are seen very frequently. They are about to fledge, and the nest hole must by now be filthy, as each time they come out after delivering a fish they spend a long time washing, and this is when the best views are to be had. Rye Meads, Hoddesdon. Go. Go now. Well, wait until it's light outside again and the reserve is open, and then go. You won't regret it.

There are also some friendly Tufted Ducks

In other news, I have a new washing up brush. In keeping with my shower brush, it is also pink, and equally lovely. I am a modern man, and like to keep in touch with my feminine side. It won't mean I suddenly enjoy washing up, but it may make it slightly more bearable. All in all, I'd rather be birding. We have a three day weekend coming up, and Mrs L has said that I can have one day of it to go wherever I want, sans enfants. A White-tailed Lapwing has just pitched up on Merseyside, so I might be going there. On the other hand, you can only see it occasionally through a large fence (with small gaps) at a distance of roughly 300m, it will mean eight hours in the car, and the fuel to get there and back will be in the region of seventy quid. Then again, it's the something like the sixth record for Britain. Twitching is a mug's game. I only went to see the Blue-winged Teal at Paxton tonight because I had to be in Cambridge anyway....

Most unenjoyable.